One of the unspoken truths about being in a relationship with a police officer is there are problems you might face that most couples will never experience. Growing up, no one taught me how to have a successful marriage. Let’s throw in an even bigger curve ball…Now I’m married and I’m a police officer.
Most of us can only gauge what we believe to be a successful marriage based off of what they have experienced in their own lives. A lot of the times, this stems from what we witnessed in the marriage of our parents.
My Story
I was married to my gorgeous wife Ashlie for one week before joining the police academy. We did not have a typical newlywed experience. I was beginning my career very far away from the standard nine to five job.
Our marriage started out in full force. Ashlie helped me polish my boots, made me food and did all of the typical home chores that arose. This was all the while she was going to college full time and working a full time job (Ashlie is a true Wonder Woman). My time was completely consumed with the academy and I didn’t have time for anything else, not even my new wife.
Did either one of us know what we were getting into when we said “I do?” In short, no we didn’t. Much of what I experienced had to deal with separation, long hours, lack of communication, shutting myself off from everyone and keeping my work life completely separate from my home life. These are just a few of the police officer relationship problems.
Something needed to change. After some deep thought and guidance from a completely uninvolved person, we are closer on all levels of our life now than we have ever been. For many, that third party could mean couples therapy. In the case with my wife and I, that means hiring a life coach.
Problems Related to keeping work at work
After being a police officer for nearly eleven years, I have seen some of the most tragic and terrible situations that anybody should ever play witness to. Some people might say that it is what I signed up for. I would encourage those naysayers to do my job for a day and tell me if your mindset would not change. There is no limit to what this job entails.
Being a police officer in this day and age, we try to shelter our families from what we do and what we see. For the most part that is healthy; however, you cannot deal with these problems alone. I don’t care how “strong” you are.
Everyone needs a support system of some sort whether it is your spouse, friends or family. Something needs to be in place. Keeping your work at work creates a gap in your relationship with your spouse. This gap will lead to future problems if it is not addressed.
Although there is an unwritten line that we draw in regards to the elements of my job that I discuss with my wife, she is a major outlet for me. If I am stressed or bothered by something, she is the person that needs to understand what is going on to help to get my head straight.
If there are things that I don’t want to expose her to, I will discuss this with friends or other people that I work with. This doesn’t mean that I exclude my wife from what I do for a living. It’s far from that. I have seen many other relationships suffer because officers build up this invisible wall with their career. That may seem like it works temporarily, but it will be knocked down sooner or later.
Separation
I absolutely love my wife and want to spend every moment that I possibly can with her. If you have a different narrative than this, you might want to sit back and really analyze where you are in your relationship.
Police officers work long shifts and sporadic days sometimes. This will most definitely impact your relationship. Never knowing when you’ll be home or get a day off with your spouse or family is trying on everyone involved.
Lack of Communication
In the beginning of my career when I would get home from a long hard day at work, Ashlie would ask me “how was your day?” My response would always “fine or good.” We would then continue about our evening (or morning depending on my shift). I wouldn’t let her in on the details of why my day was good. Even more so, I wouldn’t share with her the truths about why my day was stressful. Does this sound familiar to you?
In part, I believe that this is due to us officers speaking all day and working out problems that everyone else has. There are also some underlying issues here. Why is it that an officer can go to work and give their absolute all but then go home having exhausted all efforts on everyone other than those that love them the most?
Communication also works on the spouses’ side as well. I have seen numerous relationships where all the couple really talks about is ‘can you do this’ or ‘can you grab that.’ This type of conversation gets us stuck on to-do lists and limits real conversation with one another.
Only having conversations like this would turn anyone off to wanting to further the conversation. If I am home with my wife, all I want is to shut off my brain, kick back and focus on not focusing on work. Yes, it is a craft that truly takes time and dedication to be able to do.
Not communicating on a deep and intimate level can lead to so many problems within your marriage, self-happiness, family relationships and life in general. Us as police officers need to learn how we can bridge this gap as a whole.
I have found that having a deep conversation with my wife about something that I’m truly excited helps in doing this. Also, not holding in negative ideas or thoughts that I may have. Finding a common ground with your spouse and clearly setting a tone and topic for the conversation will expand you both in so many ways.
Shutting Yourself Off From the World around You
In our line of work we love to come home to our safe space and really shut out all of the negativity that we have just experienced throughout our day. This could consist of going into the garage and working on our car, turning the TV on and tuning out everything or something as simple as just going to sleep.
This not only shuts out the world, but this shuts out your spouse and family. Focusing on the negativity all of the time really wears on our mindset. I have personally found bringing the positive into a situation has not only helped my career but has helped how I feel as well.
Dave Asprey is the founder and creator of the Bullet Proof brand and has written some incredible books. Two include Game Changers and Headstrong. In the book Game Changers, Dave talks about gratitude and how impactful this can be on someone’s life.
Showing or finding gratitude in even the smallest of actions retrains our brains to really find more positivity in everything throughout our day. I challenge you not only to read these books but to also begin to practice gratitude. You will be glad you did.
Another tool to help with this is to have a close friend that you can talk to. Dealing with the hardships of being a police officer is not something we can do alone. You have to have an outlet in which you can verbalize and get out some of problems we as officers face daily.
Conclusion – Police Officer Relationship Problems
A lot of what I have said will really hit home with some of you. Others may disagree with this. I have based this entire article around what I have personally gone through and witnessed other police officers go through.
We all have the power to change how we act, perceive things, support one another and love our spouses. I used to feel alone, lacked confidence and I wasn’t living in my true purpose and potential daily. Through the help and guidance of a life coach who held me accountable, I am a completely different man today.
Most of us cannot do this journey alone and we need someone to show us the way, hold us accountable and guide us on how we can step it up in this game of life. I challenge you to consider the following questions:
Are you truly happy?
Do you love your life?
Are you comfortable spiritually?
Do you have the perfect body you would want?
Do you wake up with energy and feel excited to work each day?
Does the level and amount of intimacy with your spouse satisfy you?
Are you living a life filled with legacy that you will be proud to leave behind one day?
If you answered no to any of these, it is time to make some self-improvements my friend.
My wife Ashlie and I created LEO Warriors so that we can help to get you onto the path needed so that you can truly live a life that is at optimal performance. If you aren’t sure if you are ready for such a dramatic and positive change in your life, schedule your free coaching screening appointment HERE. You are an amazing person and if you are an officer, we thank you for your service to our great nation. ff
