Police Officer Relationship Problems: Spouses Perspective
Introduction
It should come as no surprise that many individuals who work in high-stress professions often struggle at home with relationship problems. What has always surprised me is the stigma that is associated with police officers and the likelihood of the relationship they are in failing.
I have been with my husband for nearly 11 years and he has been an officer nearly the entire time. We have had some problems in our relationship; however, I do not believe that any of these problems would lead to an assumed divorce statistic.
Police Officer Problem Solving Skills
Police officer relationship problems are unique. The daily experience and routine training of an officer makes them naturally equipped with many problem solving skills. In my experience, it is often difficult for my husband to put down the authority position when using such problem solving skills at home.
If we do not see eye-to-eye on something, my husband will immediately go into a state of expertise. There are times when he defends his stance on something minor in sort of a quantitative way. Many times, we cannot disagree on a topic and then sort it out like a normal couple.
It’s like a full-blown court trial with what seems like statistical data backing up his side of the story. There are times when I have to pause him and remind him that he is talking to his wife and he isn’t at work.
Officer Spends a Lot of Time at Work
My husband and I didn’t even get to take our honeymoon until we were already married for three years. As a police officer, his schedule is always changing. In the beginning, his schedule was completely opposite than mine. As a result, we hardly saw one another because I too work a full-time job.
This made it near impossible for us to ever commit to any sort of events together. Birthdays, holidays, weddings, funerals.
You name it. If it has a date, there was (and oftentimes still is) no level of commitment that we could give to others and often one another. That is simply the luck of the trade in a profession such as law enforcement.
Although my husband has a set schedule, there are many times when he has to work unscheduled overtime. This can further complicate things if we previously planned to do something together.
Unfortunately, high-stake instances take place often in the department where my husband works. There have been times in the past when he is asked to come to work immediately when there is a dire need.
When he leaves suddenly, I can never help but to get a sinking pit in my stomach as a result of the urgency.
Constant Media Coverage
Pick a day on the calendar. Go ahead…I dare you! Now Google that date and type in ‘Police Headlines.’ Chances are that you were immediately thrown photos, articles and news coverage of something negative that happened.
Whether I am watching television, scroll through social media or glance at a magazine or newspaper while waiting in the checkout line, the headlines are everywhere.
The worst part? Most of the time the headlines are depicting police officers only in a negative light. Don’t get me wrong. I believe that there are good and bad seeds in every industry and in every workplace.
In the past, I have experienced pleasant encounters with servers at a restaurant. I can go to that same restaurant and experience less than pleasurable encounters with others.
If I encounter a negative server, I might tell myself that they are having an off-day. Personally, I like to make up stories of my own.
Maybe that person was just given some bad news. They could have another table with rude customers. What if their parent recently passed away?
When I know that the poor customer service that I experience is not customary based on previous experiences, I will still return to that restaurant. I don’t publicly display how poor the restaurant is and I certainly do not tell others how bad the restaurant business is as a whole.
Unlike restaurants, I believe that many media outlets classify law enforcement in a negative light as a whole. This is frustrating because I know that it isn’t the truth. In fact, most of us who live a life behind the badge would tell you that this couldn’t be any further from the truth.
Most officers that I have ever met love their job. They wear their badge with pride and who they are in the community is a positive reflection of who they are at home.
What about the Positive Elements of Law Enforcement
When you are married to an officer, you see it all. You understand that these men and women have families, children, parents, siblings, etc. I hear my husband speak often about some of the incredible people that he encounters in his community.
There are many times when I gleam with pride as he explains something impactful from his day. Officers don’t do this to brag. They typically only share these details in the comfort of their homes, if at all.
I believe that it makes it difficult to build on the positive truths that exist in law enforcement when so much negativity surrounds the profession as a whole.
When I make mention to someone that I am comfortable with that my husband works as a police officer, I often feel like I need to hold my breath to judge their response.
This reality makes many officers and spouses reluctant to even share this information with someone until we are absolutely confident in them.
Difficulty Disconnecting From Work
On the rare occasion when my husband and I do get a weekend to spend together, I cannot say that I have him all to myself the entire time.
From the group text messages and phone calls that he gets when he is not working, this disengages him from his time with me. A lot of this is work related. Some of it lies in the healthy banter that officers cannot and probably do not want to fully disconnect from, even if they are not at work.
Divorce Statistics for Police Officers
Staying Connected
In my experience, this has a lot to do with the amount of respect and communication that my husband and I have. If we are not physically together, we still find ways to connect with one another.
We will send one another letters of appreciation (through text) every single morning. If there is something that one of us can work on while we are not at work, we’ll send a text to convey this. When schedules change or something comes up, we inform one another right away.
Technology makes it easier than ever to have this open communication line. I give my husband his space when he is at work and I never call him to nag, list off a honey-do list or complain about anything.
If ever there is something that is more of a hot-topic item to discuss, we talk about it when we are both home. No warning text before he gets home. We don’t allow that type of drama in our marriage.
The truth is that any of the time that we do have together, we want to spend valued with one another. We are able to do this because all of the extra details have already been handled by staying closely connected when we are not physically together.
Conclusion
If you are new to this lifestyle (and yes, I do believe that it is a lifestyle), my biggest suggestion to you would be to re-read the section above and incorporate it daily.
My husband and I love one another and I am sure that you have the same feelings with your own spouse. We continue to build on this love by respecting one another and helping one another as equals.
There are many times when I have worked more hours in one week than my husband. There have also been times when my husband has made more money than me.
It has never been a pissing competition (excuse my lack for a better term) with us. Instead, we find appreciation in seeing what we can both do to fill up our buckets. This can range from our time, income, contributions around the house, focusing on health and every other aspect of our lives.
We are a team. Despite the difficulties, I love living this life. My blood also turned blue the moment that my husband took his oath to become a police officer. This created unique bond between the two of us that I love, honor and respect.
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